My Little Immortal
by Some Moron
Summary: The mind-blowingly horrible Harry Potter fanfiction, My Immortal, adapted to the land of colorful magic ponies! Prepare to be assaulted by the senseless, the grammar horrors, and the utter defilement of ponies we love!
1. Gothie Pie and the Awful Love Scene

**Warning: Reading the following fanfiction may cause severe fracturing of the human mind due to its excessive idiocy. The writer could only accomplish this with a pre-broken mind caused by having already suffered the madness that is _My Immortal_ three times for the sake of other parody fics. All traditional rules of spelling and grammar shall hereby begone. Viower excretion advisd.**

_Secondary Notice: Nothing in this fic is to be taken seriously. Obvious (and not-so-obvious) canon facts have been interpreted incorrectly. Characters will act hopelessly OOC. The canon is disturbingly compatible with Cupcakes and Rainbow Factory. If you find that your most beloved characters have been defiled, rest easy in knowing that I love them too, and it simply had to be done to keep in the spirit of My Immortal._

_However, the story will contain NO clop. There will be callbacks to MI's epic love scenes, certainly, but there will be no references to the terms "thingie" and "you-know-what." It has also been punctuated periodically with intelligent comments to relieve the torture, and additional alliterative appeal has been appended. Now, read and enjoy... you prepz._

_This should be obvious, but since lawyers and corporations are greedy and stupid, no, I don't frickin' own MI or MLP or HP. That's right, I don't own Michigan or Hewlett-Packard._

Hi my name is Pinkamena Dark'ness Dementia Raven Pie, and I have a long ebony black mane (that's how I got my name, the Raven part not the Pinka part coz I bucking hate pink) with pink streaks and pink tips and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Nightmare Moon. I'm not related to Snips but I wish I was because he's a major bucking hottie.

I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale pink fur. I'm also an alicorn now and I go to a magic school called Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns in Ponyville where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I love Carousel Botique and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black saddle with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat hoofboots. _{I suspect that hilarity will ensue, considering that ponies normally don't wear clothes.}_

I was walking outside the school. The pegasi had made it snow and rain so there was no sun today, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my- my, uh... I stuck out my tongue at them.

"Hey Pinky!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... King Sombra!

"What's up Sombra?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some rainbow from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant Wonderbolts t-shirt which I used for pajamas. _{The original lists, in detail, her clothes and makeup here... nah.}_

My friend, Willow Branch (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long hoof-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes.

"OMBC, I saw you talking to King Sombra yesterday!" she said excitedly. _{OMBC: Oh My Bucking Celestia!}_

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing, cause I can do that even though I'm a vampire and have no blood flow.

"Do you like Sombra?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

_{For those unfamiliar with My Immortal, it was the most infamous fanfic ever written in the Harry Potter fandom. As little detail is given to us about Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, I am forced to assume that it, too, is separated into Houses: Slytherin, the house of goffs; Gryffindor, the house of preps and posers; and Hufflepuff, the house of insignificant background ponies for when the vampires need food and rainbows.}_

"No I so bucking don't!" I shouted. Then Sombra walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. Sometimes I can be so in love that I invent new adverbs.

"I herd (geddit koz there horses) the Grand Galloping Gala is in Canterlot." he told me.

"Oh. My. Bucking. Celestia!" I screamed. I love the GGG. They are my favorite event, besides NM.

"Well... do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.

_{That's a perfectly respectable response, right? The real Pinkie responded the same way when Twilight first introduced herself.}_

On the night of the concert I put on my clothes and clothes and clothes _{You know the drill...}_. My hair was already straight but I made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my hooves. _{Rarity's needle accident implies this is possible.}_ I read a depressing book about teen human vampires while I waited for it to stop bleeding and I listened to some music and put on TONS of makeup, because nopony should ever see my real face. I drank some equine rainbow so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Sombra was waiting there in front of his flying carriage.

"Hi Sombra!" I said in a depressed voice.

"Hi Pinky." he said back. We walked into his flying black chariot (the license plate said 666) and flew to the place with the concert. _{As they are presumably both alicorns, I cannot fathom why they needed a flying chariot.}_ On the way we listened excitedly to Vinyl Scratch and Octavia. We both smoked cigarettes and salt licks. When we got there, we hopped out of the carriage. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and plonked up and down as we listened to Octavia.

"Octie is so bucking hot," I said to Sombra, pointing to her as she sung, filling the club with her amazing voice. Suddenly Sombra seemed sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. "Hey, it's ok I don't like her better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" said Sombra sensitively and he slipped his front leg around me all protective.

"Really," I said. "Besides, I don't even know Octavia and she's going out with a bucking _cello_." I said disgustedly, thinking of its ugly wooden face.

_{Yes, they moshed to Octavia's music, and I may have just inadvertently spawned OctaviaXCello shipping.}_

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Sombra. After the concert, we drank some cider and asked Octavia and Segway Colt for their autographs and photos with them. We got GGG concert tees. Sombra and I crawled back into the chariot, but Sombra didn't go back into the school, instead he drove into …. … … … … … …. … … …. … …. …. the Everfree Forest!

"Sombra!" I shouted. "What the buck do you think you're doing?"

Sombra didn't answer but he stopped the flying chariot and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously. "What the bucking Tartarus?" I asked angrily.

"Pinky?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Sombra leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts, because his eyes are usually green) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then … … … … … suddenly just as I Sombra kissed me passionately. Sombra climbed on top of me and […]

**The County Commission of Crappy Clop has confiscated this consensual content.**

[…] my pale body became all warm. And then...

"WHAT THE BUCK ARE YOU DOING, YOU MOTHERBUCKERS!"

It was … … … … …. … … … … …. … … … … …. Princess Celestia!

_I misspelled that "motherbuckets." I didn't realize containers could reproduce. Now I don't have to buy new ones from the store anymore!_

_IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!_

_No, seriously, I don't know how often I will update this fic, but if it becomes popular I may have to start putting some work into it! Until then, peace off. BOOP!_


	2. The Love Trinagle

**Special fangz for da good revoiws!**

**Incidentally, should I just mark this story as a MLP fic instead of MLPxHP? I'm thinking it might get more views that way.**

**Quoting MI word-for-word except ponified wasn't working quite how I wanted (it felt too cheap) so I decided to change a few minor details and kinda improve on the writing a bit, mostly for the sake of your entertainment. Please don't be angry, My Immortal purists. I mean, if you'd rather not be angry. Wh-Whatever you want is fine. *squee***

Celestia made and Sombra and I follow her shouting at us angrily. "You ludacris fools!" she shouted.

I started to cry rainbow tears down my face. It was pallid, which actually refers to an unhealthy paleness of skin due to sickness or anemia. Fortunately, nobody could see my actual skin because, like most ponies, I am covered in fur, which was also pallid. Sombra comforted me. When we went back to the castle, Celestia took us to Princess Cadance and Princess Luna who were both looking very angry.

"They were having a clopfic in the Everfree Forest!" she yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Princess Luna.

And then Sombra shrieked, "BECAUSE I LOVE STAIRS! I mean, CRYSTALS! I mean, HER!"

Everyone was quite quiet. Princess Celestia and Luna still looked mad but Cadance said, "Fine, very well. You may go up to your rooms."

Sombra and I went upstairs (he liked that) while the princesses glared at us. "Are you okay, Pinkie?" he asked gently.

"Yeah, I guess," I lied. I went to my dorm and brushed my teeth and hair and put on a [piece of black clothing and more black clothing, because who really gives a buck about this stuff anyway?]. When I came out, Sombra was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing "Come On Everypony, Scowl Scowl Scowl" to me. I was so flattered, even though he was singing a depressing song at an empty bathroom, since I was still by my dorm.

The next day, I ate breakfast in the great hall – boiled toast in blood. Suddenly, someone bumped into me, spilling the liquid rainbow all over my black miniskirt, matching black top, and ripped black leather saddle.

"You clumsy clopper!" I shouted. Immediately, I glanced at my assailant and regretted my outburst, looking into the face of a gothic colt with spiky black-and-red hair. He was wearing red contact lenses and he didn't have a shield for a cutie mark anymore. He had a sexy Canterlot accent and he looked exactly like Invader Zim. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him, kind of like when Twilight exploded herself in fire.

"I'm so sorry," he said in a shy voice, not like Fluttershy though cause she's a girl.

"That's all right," I breathed. "What's your name?"

"My name's Shining Armor, although most people call me Vampire these days," he grumbled.

"Why?" I questioned.

"Because I like the taste of pony blood," he giggled. "It's spicy!"

"Well, I'm a vampire too," I confessed. "I have a secret lair under the bakery for it."

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah," I roared.

For the sake of romantic conflict, King Sombra came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me, so I heartlessly deserted Shining and followed him. I waved to Shining, but dark misery was in his depressed eyes. _**(Couldn't change that line, it's just that epic) **_ I guess he was jealous that I was going out with Sombra.

We went to his room and HAD SEX. C is dat stupid?

Suddenly, I saw a cutie mark I had never seen before on Sombra's flank. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words... Vampire!

In a rage, I leapt from the bed and ignored the pain of impacting the solid dresser. "You wretched parasprite!" I shouted, putting on my clothes all huffily.

"B-but you don't understand!" he pleaded. But I knew too much.

"Shut it, you bucking idiot," I snarled. "I'll bet you have Pony AIDS anyway!"

I stomped out of the room, Sombra hot on my hooves all the way to Vampire's classroom. "SHINING VAMPIRE, YOU MOTHERBUCKER!" I yelled. Everypony stared at me. I didn't understand why – they should have been staring at Sombra, who was naked. But most of them were preps and posers who thought that was okay.

"Pinkie, it's not what you think!" Sombra screamed so sadly.

My friend B'loody Mare Smith smiled at me understatedly as she woke up from sleeping in class. She flipped her long gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. (The contact lenses were blue with pink polka dots, but that's irrelevant.) She had pale white fur that she was wearing white makeup on.

Twilight Sparkle was kidnapped when she was born. Her real parents are zebras and one of them is an alicorn but Discord killed her mother, and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she's very haunted and house-like. It also turns out her last name is Smith and not Sparkle.

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit?" Cadance demeaned angrily in her cold voice, but I ignored her. "Vampire," I growled, "I can't believe you cheated on me with Sombra!"

"But I'm not going out with him anymore!" sobbed Vampire.

"Yeah-bucking-right!" I snapped. "Buck off, you woeful windego!" And then I bucked off for the Everfree Forest to cry some more.

"I hear you have Pony AIDS," I heard Diabola say to Sombra. "Do any of the rest of us have Pony AIDS?"


	3. Demons and Concerts and Ninjas, Oh My!

**AN: omg i totly skipped al da AN"s at da begining of da chaptaz! Its not my inmortal wifout dem! Fangz (geddit koz im goffic) to da goffs 4 da god revoiws! Preps stop flamming da stroy!**

I was like, so angry and stuff. I was utterly convinced that Sombra had cheated on me. Obviously if he wasn't still going out with him, he'd just like take an eraser and get rid of the vampire cutie mark, right? Well, that's what MY logic says. So what if I'm technically the mare who thought her friends abandoned her because they wouldn't attend a party two days in a row. They were bucking preps anyway.

So I went to the Everfree Forest and cried my eyes out, then popped them back in. Suddenly, even through the haze of my tears and emotional pain, I sensed an evil presence watching me. I slowly glanced upwards until my eyes met those of a grotesque monster from the depths of Hell itself. It had eyes of blood red and a venomous yellow, and the body of a nightmarish mix of every wild animal I could name (basically like Discord in the show). It was … … … … … … Discord!

My lips formed a scream I couldn't produce, held back by fear and the demon's power. I scanned the woods for an escape, but found none. So I started kicking him in the face, and Discord fell off his broomstick and started screaming. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist, so I stopped.

"Pinkie," he said in a cold, cruel, angsty voice, "thou must kill Vampire Armor!"

His demands hit me like a charging manticore and my heart sank. One moment, I had been enjoying the pleasure of a lemonfic with my special somepony, and the next moment, I was being demanded to kill a colt I loved. I thought of his sexah eyes. Since, you know, I hardly knew him other than that, having just met him that day.

"No!" I cried. "Please!"

I continued to plead for his life, even as Discord handed me a gun. "Thou must!" he insisted evilly. "If thou doth not, then I shall kill thy beloved Sombra!"

I buried my face in my hooves, faced with the heartbreakingly unsolvable ultimatum. "H-how did you know?" I squeaked out after a moment of painful thoughts.

Discord got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. "I hath telekinesis," he answered sexily in his raspy voice. "And if thou doth not kill Vampire, then thou knowest what shall happen to thy Sombra!" With a demonic laugh and a snap of his fingers, he vanished into the mist.

I sat paralyzed by fear, anger, and heartrending indecision. Oblivious to the outside world, I agonized over which of my coltfriends was smexier. I was too lost in painful thought to notice the hoofsteps approaching me, until the goffic black hooves stopped in front of me. Startled back into the present, I gazed up into the soft, beautiful, evil eyes of Sombra.

"Sombra!" I said. "Hi!"

"Hi," he said back, but his face was all sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked. There was a long pause, but he never spoke.

"I'm sorry I was mad at you," I expelled after a few minutes. "I thought you'd cheated on me."

"It's okay," he said all depressed, and we went back to Canterlot Castle together, making out. I feared for myself and my friends for the rest of the day, thinking about the threat of Discord. I couldn't even concentrate on my performance in my friends' garage band, Bloody Gothic Rose 666. I sing the lead and play the guitar. B'loody Mare plays the other guitar, Vampire plays the drums, and Sombra plays the trumpet. Derpy (who we call Diabola now, and she has a black mane with gray streaks) plays the other guitar, and Fluttershy plays the flugelhorn. We all play concerts together to support ourselves in society and keep us fed and clothed. (We always keep the tomatoes and shoes that ponies throw at us)

Vampire and Sombra weren't coming this time, though, since they were too depressed. Instead of practicing, we wrote some depressing songs to be played on the show. I was fairly certain that Sombra was off inflicting self-harm, although he wouldn't die because he was a vampire as well, and vampires can only be killed by slamming them in the face with a frozen steak. Vampire was more than likely out watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride.

_(Note from the sane author: Actually, Corpse Bride is not depressing, it's actually rather entertaining. I saw it with my fillyfriend a while back)_

I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my... I'm not even sure, but it showed a lot. I also put on a matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the plot. But I'm totally not slutty.

Anyway, I retconned that part about songwriting and we were singing a cover of "Find a Pet," when I suddenly burst into tears. B'loody Mare galloped to my side to comfort me.

"Pinkie! Are you okay?" she asked concertedly.

"What the buck do you think!?" I shouted. "Bucking Discord came to me and told me to bucking kill Shining Armor! If I don't, he'll bucking kill Sombra! What the buck do I do?"

Sombra leapt out from behind a wall like a ninja. "Why didn't you tell me?" he shouted. "How could you, you bucking poser?"

I started to cry and cry. Sombra started to cry too, all sensitive. Then he trotted out, crying. We practiced for another hour, since we're all oblivious to feelings. Suddenly, Princess Celestia stormed onto the stage. Her eyes were fiery and this time I knew it wasn't because she had a headache.

"What have you done?" she cried wisely. "Pinkie, Sombra has taken his own life."

I gasped.

I was out of breath after singing, you know?


	4. There Must Be Other Factors

**AN: sop flamaing ma story u prpes! just cuz i cant updat a lot dont make me a posr! rlife happenz n im also dong somefing else pnoy-rlated that u'l proly hear bout!1 plz read da nxt chaptr bcuz it delz wif rly srs bisnes!**

**(Seriously, this is the ponification of My Immortal, Chapter 11. Possibly one of the greatest highlights of the fic.)**

Having gasped and filled my lungs with air, I proceeded to empty them.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed. "DO NOT WANT!"

B'loody Mare tried to comfort me, but I told her to buck off, and I ran to my room crying myself. It's like wetting yourself except from your eyes. Princess Celestia tried to run after me, but she had to stop when I got to my room, lest she look like a perv. She raises the sun and makes modern life possible but she totally can't come into my bedroom.

Tears of blood cascaded from my eyes, rendering moot my attempts to dry them. I had lost the only pony I had ever loved (except the other one who was totally still alive) and in my despair, I slit one of my marshmallow hooves. They, the hooves, got all over my clothes, so I took them off and jumped into the bathtub in a fit of anger. I cranked up _Rainbow Fun Factory_ to full volume and as I sat in the empty tub, I thought about the only thing that could release me from this misery.

Slowly I raised myself off the porcelain and opened the medicine chest. Inside was a thick, juicy steak, and I picked it up, trying to fight back the urge to jam it into my heart and end my own life (by way of clogging my arteries with all the grease, of course). As I considered it, I reminded myself that Shining Armor was also smexy, convincing myself to put down the slab of meat. I had to take my mind off my despair, so I put on a low-cut black floor-length dress with sand and lace around it.

And then I glanced out the window, and a scream escaped my lips.

Hovering outside my bathroom window was Cadance, holding a video camera and taping every move I made. Even worse, Big Macintosh was sitting next to her on his broomstick, watching me and sensuously eating a sandwich!

"Ew, you bucking pervs!" I shouted, trying desperately to cover myself, and finally wrapping up in a towel depicting WoodenToaster. "Stop looking at me naked! Are you pedos, or what!?"

Suddenly, Vampire Armor burst in, shouting "Abra Kedavra!" and pointing his porn at them. _**[Vampire Potter pointed his womb rather than wand, so I needed something resembling "horn"...]**_ I took my gun and shot them a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke and muffins fell out. Just then, Celestia ran in.

"Pinkie, it has been revealed that someone has – NOOOOOOOOO!" she shouted, looking at Cadance and Big Mac and the muffins, and preparing to cast a spell.

Suddenly, Fluttershy flew in on her broomstick. "Everyone, we need to talk," she said firmly. "That is, if you aren't busy."

"What do you know, Fluttershy?" I said coldly. "You're just a little unicorn."

"I may be a _unicorn_," Fluttershy snapped at me angrily, "but I'm _also_ a witch-doctor!"

"This cannot be," said Cadance in a crisp voice as rainbow dripped from her foreleg where Celestia's horn had shot her. "There must be other factors."

"You don't have any!" I yelled in madly. Who needed factors?

Cadance picked up the camera and held it up in the air triumelephantly. I stared intently at the elephant until it turned back in to Cadance. "The lens is ruined, but the tape is still there!" she said with glee. I began to hyperventilate from the stress as I realized they had videotape of me in the bathroom, naked. Which was totally significant, because ponies should never be naked. A faintness slowly came over me, further fueled by my unquenched thirst for rainbows.

"Why are you doing this?" Big M said angrily as he wiped off his dirty hooves on his clook.

"Because... because, um..." stammered Fluttershy, her cheeks reddening.

"Because you're goffic?" asked Cadance in a little afraid voice, fearing it would mean she was connected with Discord. Fluttershy took a deep breath.

And then I heard words I had heard many times before, but never from her. My heart rose into my throat (a physically unhealthy situation) as I understood the full meaning behind the words. I didn't know whether to feel happy about it, or just bite her and drink her blood because I was thirsty.

"Because I love her!"

_**[… Well, apparently My Immortal has just forced me into writing PinkieShy shipping.]**_

I couldn't take it. Nopony could replace Sombra, and certainly not somepony like Fluttershy. We had to go together; it was our destiny. I reached into hammerspace and pulled out the silver knife that Sombra had given to me. He told me to use it valiantly against an enemy, but now the only cause I could stand for was joining him in the afterlife; my only enemy was myself now. Just as I was about to open up the artery in my left front hoof, I heard Vampire scream.

"AAAHHHH! OH MY BUCKING CELESTIA! MY CUTIE MARK HURTS!" he cried, clutching at his flank. He collapsed to the ground and his eyes rolled into his head, revealing only his red whites. I dropped my knife and ran to him.

"How did you know!?" I asked in concern.

"NERVE ENDINGS!" he shouted. "I felt them! And then my cutie mark turned back into the shield!"

I looked closer. "No!" I said. "I thought you didn't have a cutie mark anymore!"

"I do," he replied, "but Diabola changed it into a pentagram for me, and I always cover it up with foundation. Anyway, my cutie mark hurt and then it turned back into the shield. Save me! Then I had a vision of what was happening to Sombra – Discord has him bondage!"


	5. The Preps Begin To Flame

**Normally, I don't have a lot of time to update this, but I just got some very negative reviews and it inspired me to write more for you all! See the end of this chapter for my personal response to them.**

**This is the part of the story where the grammatical quality begins to go downhill, so I will do the same. I'll keep it readable though!**

I spent most of the afternoon sitting in Nurse Redheart's office, recovering from rainbow loss after I'd cut myself once again. Cadance, Big Mac, and Fluttershy were also there, not for me but on their way to the Pickle Barrel Mental Institute because they were pedophiles and you can't have pervs like that teaching in a school with lots of hot fillies like me. Fluttershy wasn't in my band anymore – she had become a prep. Celestia had constipated their video camera, and I stuck out my tongue at them.

I lay in my hospital bed and thought for a long time about gofficness and Nightmare Night and marshmallows, when I saw Fluttershy approaching me holding a bouquet of pink roses.

"Kinkie, I need to tell you something," she said in a low voice, giving me the roses.

"Buck off," I snapped. "You know I hate the color pink, anyway. I don't like you preps." She'd never been nice to me before, always shunning me for being goffic.

"No, Kimpy," she said. "Those aren't roses."

"Oh, what, are they _goffic_ roses?" I shot back, my voice dripping with sarcasm. "You poser prep..."

"I saved your life!" she yelled, glaring at me.

"You did no such thing," I growled.

Fluttershy leaned in closer. "Well, I saved you from getting a Paris Hilton P-video made from your shower scene and being viewed by Cadance and Big Mac," she said.

I sighed. "Whatever."

She turned to the roses. "These aren't roses," she said in a very serious voice, and she started to concentrate her horn on them. "Raise this barn, one-two-three-four," she muttered.

"That's not a spell," I corrected her. "That's an Apple song."

"No, I was just clearing my throat," she replied, motioning the action with her hoof. "PETULUS MERENGO!" she screamed at the flowers, and a glow emanated from her horn and began to transform the roses into a floating black flame. And it was black. And floating. Suddenly, I began to realize that she wasn't a prep at all.

"All right," I said. "I believe you. Now where the buck is my Sombra?"

Fluteshy rolled her eyes. I realized I had to look into the flames, but I saw nothing. I was startled out of my concentration by the voice of Celestia.

"You see, Pinpie," she said, watching me watch the flame, "to see what is in da flames – haha, get it, flames, because you reviewer flamed me – you must first find what ur cutie mark is telling u!"

"I _have_ found it, okay, you mean old lady!?" yelled Fluttershy. Celestia looked shocked; she might have said something back, but I guess she had a headache. "You're a liar, Prin. Celeatia!"

That evening, the hospital released me, telling me I would be all right but avoid putting too much weight on my front hooves. I went upstairs and put on a black leather minidress with lots of saddle stuff on it.

B'loody Mare approved of my outfit. "You look kawaii, girl," she said sadly.

"Fangs," I said, making sure to point out my clever pun. "You do, too." But I was still upset, and went back to the bathroom to cry some more, making sure to pull the shades so those pervs couldn't spy on me again. I finally dared venture outside when it was time for Hair of Magical Magic Creatures, where I found Vampire. He looked all depressed because he used to love Sombra, and now he had vanished.

"Hi," he said depressedly, sitting up from his position where he'd been sucking some blood from a Hufflepuff.

"Hi back," I said in a wqually said way.

We looked into each other's eyes for a long time. Shining Armor had beautiful gothic red eyes just like Sombra. Slowly, we realized we shared a mutual problem, and if we couldn't have the colt we really wanted, we still had each other. Then we jumped on each other and commenced a clopfic.

"Stop it now, you horny simpletons!" shouted Princess Loona, who was watching us alongside the rest of the class. The sudden interruption brought me to my senses, and I realized we were not meant for each other at all.

"Stop it, you pitiful parasprite," I told him. "You know I loved Sombra!"

Suddenly, he held a hoof to his flank and screamed. "AAAHHHH! OH MY BUCKING CELESTIA! MY CUTIE MARK HURTS!" he cried, clutching at his flank. He collapsed to the ground and his eyes rolled into his head, revealing only his red whites.

I looked closer. "No!" I said. "I thought you didn't have a cutie mark anymore!"

"I do," he replied, "but Diabola changed it into a pentagram for me, and I always cover it up with foundation. Anyway, my cutie mark hurt and then it turned back into the shield. Then I had a vision of what was happening to Sombra – Discord has him bondage!"

**AN: Special fangz 4 da flamming! i nevr actuly got flamd b4 so i aprieate da attension!**

**Seriously, Mr. Iron Lad, thank you for the laughs! Everypony, check out these beautifully glowing reviews he posted for me!**

_**Sigh. It had to happen eventually. A mentally retarded idiot decided to bring that piece of shit here. Contragulations asshole. I just reported your fucked up ass for posting a trollfic. PS: Go to hell motherfucker.**_

**Yep, had to happen eventually. Although it should be noted that Pinkamena Raven Way already existed in fan-art form prior to my work, I am pleased that you have credited me with being the first to bring My Immortal to the MLP fandom! I appreciate being "contragulated" for my work.**

**However, I do want to make one correction. Like most healthy humans, I am not sexually attracted to my own mother. In addition, I have already been to Hell multiple times via the games Terraria and Doom, as well as during an adventure roleplay over chat with my girlfriend. I have one! Do you?**

**Incidentally, the praise didn't stop there! Like any rabid fanboy, Iron Lad checked out my profile and read my other stories too. In the My Immortal Plot Summary, he posted a particularly respectful impression of my personal character:**

_**Oh my god, you are not just incredibly fucking retarded. You really are a fucking troll. Shit, why do imbeciles like you must come to this fine site? Could you please consider killing yourself in order to improve the human race? As it is, you're nothing but a waste of oxigen and space. Seriously, go eat some dog shit or some other toxic crap.**_

**To be honest, I'm mildly surprised it took him that long to realize I am indeed a fOOPing troll. So to answer your question of "why do imbeciles like myself must come" to this site... because in addition to being fun to write, the vast majority of readers find my content entertaining, as my nearly 1000 positive reviews could attest to.**

**Call me incredibly fOOPing retarded (oh, wait, you did!), but I fail to understand how suicide on my own part would improve the human race. Personally, I've taught a class on electronics, helped recycle several tons of computer equipment, and wrote a video game that has entertained a large group of middle- and high-schoolers for several years. I also avoid looking up people's online profiles to spam their content with hate mail. Which of us is the more useful human being? You haven't told me a lot about yourself, so I am forced to judge by your anger, language, and lack of proofreading.**

**Also, I don't honestly know what "oxigen" is, so if somebody could brief me on that concept, that would be good. How does it differ from oxygen?**

**But wait, he still posted one last review, this one on a guide to the rules of English that Tara Gilesbie broke while writing her masterpiece:**

_**Have you even read the rules of this site you fucking retard? Oh god, why do you have to be here? Please jump in front of a truck you dongsucker.**_

**Sure, I'll happily answer your questions. Yep, I've read the rules of this site. Story fiction only; MST is not permitted, nor are lists or scriptfics. However, as I choose to provide content never previously offered, and do my best to proofread and deliver a quality work, I have never encountered problems with Fanfiction's content services.**

**How about your stories? Do you have a license to call me out on rule breaking, by having always followed the rules yourself? A quick author search reveals no registered users named Iron Lad, so I'm forced to assume you have never released any of your own work for us all to read. Too bad; I would love to read your work, as you are clearly the far superior writer.**

**I am not qualified to answer your second question, as you directed it at God rather than myself. However, as you wrote it in a review to me, I will say that I am here to p1ss you off, and entertain everyone else!**

**Again, I need to make a correction to your judgment of my character. As a heterosexual male, I have no interest in sucking dongs. It is also worth mentioning that jumping in front of a truck would arguably be detrimental to my physical health.**


	6. Marshmallow Abduction

_**Thanks for the great reception of my flame response! Also, thanks for flames. I appreciate them – it helps me cook marshmallows.**_

_**Warning: Sum of dis chapta is xtremely scray. Viower excretion advisd.**_

Vampire and I dashed out of the hospital and ran to Celestia's office. "Celestia!" we yelled. "CELESTRIA!"

Princess Celestia strutted out of her office. "What do you want now, you despicable snobs?" she asked, obvious venom dripping from her voice.

"Disvord has Sombra!" I cried. "You have to do something!"

Celestia's eyes grew dark, and she threw back her head and cackled evilly. She looked straight at me and every hair on my body stood on end from her inequine glare. "No," she growled. "Let him die as the miserable scum that he is! The demon you call a coltfriend has been a thorn in my side since the day I became principal. Now he shall suffer. And you? _Soon you will join him!_"

Stunned, I stood rooted to the spot as she turned on her hoof and stormed back into her office, slamming the door behind her. I struggled to hold back my emotion, but Shining Armor, lacking my strong constitution, broke down into rainbow tears. "No!" he moaned. "My Sombra!"

I never knew how long we stood there, be it seconds, minutes, or hours. But as he began to dry his tears, I began to feel a strong energy field near me. I backed away in horror as Vampire's head began to glow an electric blue, lightning bursting from his mane as thunder boomed through the castle halls. And then I realized it – he was having a brainstorm!

"I have an idea!" he exclaimed.

"What is it?" I asked, the excitement building in my voice in anticipation of rescuing my beloved.

"It's a thought concept generated by electrical firings in the brain, but that's not important right now. I know how we can find Sombra!" He began to concentrate intently, and his horn started to glow, slowly encompassing the two of us as it teleported us miles away. As my vision gradually faded in from the haze of shapes, I understood where he had taken us – Discard's lair!

From deep in the corridors came a voice. "Who's there!?" it commanded, and I realized we had made too much noise on the way in. It was … … … … … … … … Discord!

Slowly, we inched forward, holding ourselves against the dimly lit wall to avoid detection until we burst into the next room, Shining with his horn glowing and me with my silver knife. As my eyes adjusted to the light, I realized I had been mistaken. Discord wasn't there at all – instead, standing in front of me, alongside a quivering Sombra in chains, was the marshmallow pony who killed Bon-Bon.

Rarity's face twisted into an evil scowl. "Rid my sight, you despicable preps!" she growled, focusing her horn on us. Shining and I took out our horn and gun and started shooting spells at her. Suddenly, she broke down and reached for me.

"Pinkie," she whimpered. "Please stop. Don't kill me. Just hear me out!"

I didn't trust her, but I stopped shooting.

"What do you want?"

Rarity took a deep breath. "Pinkie, you don't have to be like this," she said. "I know how important this social status has become to you, but can't you look deep down inside and understand how- how wrong it is? These 'preps,' 'posers,' why are we so bad?"

"Because-" I groped for words. "Because they are!"

"No," she replied. "These ponies have done nothing to wrong you. It's only the lies you tell yourself that makes them evil. No, Pinkie. You are the preps."

The accusation was too much to bear. "I am not a prep!" I screamed in anger, kicking her backwards into a cabinet. I drew my knife, charging for her vulnerable throat.

"I am Pinkamena-" - I pinned her to the floor.

"Raven-" - I raised the dagger high in the air, relishing the helpless horror on her face.

"PIE!" - I brought my hoof down firmly on her neck.

It took us both perhaps five seconds to realize that her body was still very much intact. I glanced upwards to find my knife suspended in a dense black mist. At first, nopony understood what magic this was. And then I heard the clacking of high heels approaching.

"What art thou doing!?" demanded the demon, Discord, grabbing my knife and stowing it in a drawer. Rarity, taking advantage of a moment of security, pushed me off her and ran for Discord, who protected her. Now I knew he really was a prep! He held me against the wall with his magic and began to tie me up like he'd done with Sombra, as a horrible grin spread across his face.

"Thou thinketh what?" he asked in his raspy voice. "That thou might releaseth thy coltfriend from mine prison? Dearest me, what doth thou smoketh?" Then he tied up Vampire too, and headed for the exit, turning back only to say, "Resteth in peace, thou foul posers!"

As he slammed the dungeon door behind him, I began to feel a loneliness like I had never felt before, like a veil of ebony black leather draped over me, smothering me until I could no longer breathe. I started to cry, and the two smexiest colts like ever who were chained up next to me comforted me.

"What's wrong?" asked Sombra.

"It's just not fair!" I sobbed. "Why can't I just be plain or ugly like all the other fillies and preps in this Celestia-forsaken school, except for B'loody Mare because she isn't ugly or anything!"

"Why would you want to be ugly?" asked Shining. "I don't like the preps anyway."

"Don't you understand?" I cried. "Everyone is in love with me! I can't take it anymore. Cadance and Big Mac took a video of me naked. Fluteshy says she's in love with me … _you_ like me, Vampire … and now even Rarity clearly has the hots for me! I just want to be with my Sombra! Discrod never would have blackmailed me if I wasn't so beautiful! It's a bucking _curse!_"

I hung my head low and all was silent for some time, until Sombra finally spoke up.

"Kinkie?" he said. "I don't care what the preps and posers think. You're the most beautiful filly in Equestria. My life had no meaning before I met you, but now I just want to be with you."

("That's just what she was complaining about," mumbled Shining Armor.)

My heart melted as he began to sing "_A True, True Friend_," and I dried my tears. I understood now what had to be done, and with my coltfriends by my side, I invoked my alicorn powers of deus ex machina and teleported us back to the safety of Canterlot Castle. And there on the bulletin board in front of us was an announcement that Vinyl and Octavia were hosting a concert at that very moment!1

_**(Yes, I totally wrote Rarity's entire speech just as an excuse to add a Doom: Repercussions of Evil reference. "No, John. You are the demons.")**_


	7. Premonitions and Posers

**I'M BACK! Thought you'd ruined my livelihood, huh, Iron Lad? LOL XD. See the after-chapter notes for the response to his latest stream of abuse.**

**Well, at first I wished I hadn't already used Rarity because she'd be perfect for the Hot Topic salesmare, but I had a better idea so now it's perfect.**

I began to feel lightheaded as I squeed at the prospect of the concert, and Sombra barely caught me as I collapsed. My world degenerated into shapes (primitive Flash vectors) and colors (32-bit RGBA format), and from those shapes and colors spawned a vision of the concert.

All around me was happiness. My idols were playing on the stage, and I loved it. I danced along to their music and admired their mastery of their instruments. Sombra loved them too – I could totally tell he was aroused by Vinyl Scratch's flank, but it didn't matter because I knew we were the only true ones for each other.

Just as I thought nothing could ruin the moment, something felt wrong, oh so wrong. I had seen Vinyl and Octie and their entourage so many times in photos and live shows, and their faces were just- off. I gaped in horror as they suddenly ripped off their own faces- no, not their faces, they were wearing masks. And there, on the stage, was … … … … … … … … … … … Discard and da Chonglings!

They lashed out at the crowd as Sombra and I ran for our lives. All we heard were screams and collapsing bodies. Just as I reached the door, I felt myself become ensnared in Disgord's magic, and I fell to the floor, slowly dragged backwards towards the demon, who would be free to do horrible, unspeakable things to me.

"Kinkie!" shouted Sombra in horror, reaching out towards me. "Pinkie!"

But it was hopeless. Surely he couldn't do any-

"Pinkie, wake up!"

I opened my eyes. It was just a vision, I realized, when I'd lost consciousness. I struggled to my hooves and groped for the right words. "I-" I choked. "Sombra, I don't think I can go to that concert."

Sombra gaped. "Why not?" he asked, disappointed.

"He's gonna be there!" I yielded. "The demon! Discorf... he's going to masquerade as Vinyl and kill everypony!"

"Don't be silly, Pinkie," said Sombra. "That could never happen! Everypony would notice if she wasn't herself."

I still doubted it. "WTF?" I asked him. "Are you giving into the manestream? Are you a prep, or what now?"

"No," he muttered. "No, I'm not a prep. I just love you, bcuz you're like hawt."

I was so flattened. We frenched for a while and went up to my room, where we found B'loody Mare. "Pleased to meet you," she said in Japanese bcuz mlp came out in japan now.

"Lol hi," I said.

"By the way," she replied, in ordinary Equestrian this time, "that bucking poser, Willow, got expelled because she failed all her classes, skipped math, and liked pink."

I cackled. "Serves her right," I cackled. "Skipping math is totally like the most terrible sin a pony can commit."

B'loosy popped in a tape of Das Nitemare B4 Xmas and we began to watch it. Then I gofficly adjusted the VCR tracking. (if u dnt no wat dat is den ur a PREP!) Then a wonderful idea sprang into my head. "Hay," I said. "Do you think Willow will die, too?"

Twilight grinned. "She already did," she replied enrgtically lethrigcly. "After she got expelled, I murdered her. And then Big Mac did it with her 'cause he's a necphilak."

"That's so kawaii!" I exclaimed, and we talked to each other in silence for the rest of the movie. An idea occurred to me as the credits rolled. "Hey B'loofy?" I asked.

"Yah?" she asked.

"Can you help me shop for da hottest outfit ever?" I asked.

"Sure, what for?" she asked.

"For the concert I'm going to attend with Sombra," I expounded. "We'll go to Carousel Boutique, right?"

"Nope," she said, and my blood ran cold.

"What!?" I screamed, my hair falling straight. I knocked her to the floor and held my knife to her throat. "B'loody Mare, are you a _prep_?"

"No!" she cried. "Of course not! I just found some cool goffic stores near Canterlot, that's all!"

My hair poofed out again and I put away the dagger. "Who told you about them?" I asked, certain it was Sombra, or Derpy, or Vampire (don't even SAY that name to me!), or even me.

"Celestria told me," she said.

I needed a moment to process that. "OMBD, Celestria told you about goffic stores?" I asked incredulously.

"Nah," she swagged. "I stole the Canterlot map off her desk. Come on, let's go!"

I flew to the punkgoff stores with my alicorn wings, and Twilight rode me (ew not in that way). The salespony was hotter than Vinyl except not because that's impossible, and she gave me a few dresses.

"These are our special dresses," she said. "Only for true goffs!"

"True goffs?" I asked as I trotted into the dressing room, unaware a goff could be anything else.

"You wouldn't believe how many posers there are in this place," she said. "Why, just yesterday Cadance and Big Mac tried to buy a goffic camera pouch. I didn't even know they had a camera!"

I shrieked and ran from the changing room. "They're going to spy on me again!" I exclaimed, tears of rainbow streaming down my cheeks.

"Oh my Discord," said the salesfilly. "You have to buy that outfit!"

"Yeah," B'lppdy Mare agreed. "It looks totally hot!"

"Well, you know what?" asked the mare. "You look so hot in it that I'm going to give it to you for free. You going to that concert tonight?"

"Yeah, I am, actually," I said. "By the way, my name's Pinkermina Dark'ness Dementia LAUREN Way. What's yours?"

"Applejack," she said, running a hoof through her black dyed hair with orange streaks. "Maybe I'll-" she leaned in close. "-see you there tonight."

I backed away. "I don't think so," I said. "I'm going with my coltfriend, Sombra, you sick perv!"

Before she could beg me to go with her, the front doors burst open and Fluteshy stormed in on her broomstick looking worried. "GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!" she shouted.

**TO BE CONTINUED! DUN DUN DUN!**

**Well, I promised more Iron Lad Lulz, and here you go. Interestingly enough, he also checked out the works of a faithful reader of mine, Dndchk, and came up with a fascinating correlation between the two of us, posting his review for both of us so we had equal chances of understanding it.**

**First, he quoted a portion of Dndchk's second most recent review:**

_"Guess what, Iron Lad? There are some writers on here with really serious emotional problems, and if they'd gotten such heartless comments from a soulless jerk like you, you'd have been directly responsible for a good person's death. I really hope you're proud of yourself."_

_Do I look like the type of person who would care?_

**Nope... can't say you do! It's interesting that you're calling me out on the grave sin of posting my fanfictions when _you_ are a much darker stain on the world.**

_Also, stop defending your other profile, you imbecile; it is plainly obvious "some moron" is your sock account you use for trolling, you little fag._

**W-whoa! I had no idea about this. Dndchk and I are the same person? That's quite amazing, especially considering that she is a high school girl and I am a guy who's been through a year of college. But small world, huh?**

**Incidentally, I am not a sock, and I am deeply offended to be called one. I'm more of a shoe, to be honest, one of those quick ones with Velcro instead of laces.**

_And in the case it isn't, you are even a bigger retard for defending a troll than what that motherfucker idiot is._

**Let's research the term "troll" for a moment. An online troll is a practical joker – a person who pushes pranks that are generally harmless but usually annoy the victims. Trolls are known for spreading the Rick Roll, for instance, as well as writing the original My Immortal.**

**Interestingly enough, my content on FFnet does not fall under this category! If you've looked at my profile (and I know you do!), you can see that everything I post is under Humor/Parody, which is a combination that sends a clear message to readers that it is not to be taken seriously; Humor because it is to be laughed at. The word "parody" is defined by Wikipedia as follows:**

_A parody, in current use, is an imitative work created to mock, comment on or trivialise an original work, its subject, author, style, or some other target, by means of satiric or ironic imitation._

**Intelligent people who click on my work are inherently aware that it is created not for literary value, but for entertainment purposes only. Unfortunately, some people cannot claim to be this!**

**So let's get back to the definition of a troll. An actual troll would write work like mine but post it under a serious category such as Romance/Angst (e.g. Tara Gilesbie in writing the original work), not mentioning My Immortal or citing intentions in the author's notes. Readers would expect to see serious work, but would instead encounter the nonsense that is My Little Immortal. Under this definition and circumstances, I am not, in fact, a troll.**

**So, now that we both understand what a troll really is, let's move on.**

_To make it short: You suck, are a waste of your father's sperm and your brain operates on weed, which it seems you ran out of._

**Well, thank you for your consideration about my schedules and keeping things short and to the point! So, let's address your observations.**

**1: I suck. Well, sometimes, yes; while I normally drink from bottles of water, I do frequently use a drinking straw when I go out to eat.**

**2: I am a waste of my father's sperm. The problem with this claim is that said sperm was clearly successful (rather than dying off as most sperm do, as only one in a bunch ever gets the chance to fertilize an egg), and resulted in many people (besides you) being entertained once I was born and developed the ability to write.**

**3: My brain operates on weed. I'm sorry to say that this is quite inaccurate; my brain operates on oxygen, which is filtered out of common air by my lungs and transferred to my brain via my bloodstream. While it is true that marijuana use does affect the brain of those who smoke it, I have been raised to understand the danger and foolishness of drug use. Whether or not your life is the same may be questionable.**

**4: It seems I have run _out_ of weed. This honestly makes me scratch my head. If the things I post on the Internet were caused by drug use, wouldn't the depletion of these drugs cause me to start posting ordinary stories?**

**But wait; Iron Lad has left one last piece of mature and sound advice for me to follow!**

_P.S.: Go rape a bear at the zoo, asswipe._

**Mmph- *choke* -BWAHAHAHA! That may be the funniest insult I've ever read. Thank you for brightening my day!**


	8. Well That's Disconcerting

**Aww, no abusive comments from Iron Lad? Come on, man, don't let us down like that! You always make things so entertaining!**

Applejack, fashionista extraordinaire, gave us free clothes and offered to help with makeup. Meanwhile, Flutehsy continued to yell. "You need to get back to the castle!" she shooted angrily. Then she loaded another clip and shooted angrily some more.

"What the buck, Fluteshy?" I snapped. "I'm gong to the concernt, not back to dat sucky castle. Buck off!" She stormed off as Willow trotted inside.

Willow checked me out. "You look totally _kawaii,"_ she said in a high-pitched anime girl voice.

"Thanks," I said, blushing but not in that way cause I'm not attracted to her, you sick perv. "But I'm not as _kawaii_ as you are." I thought of her short black saddle-thing with the blood red lace, and her black blood-red miniskirt and leather fishnets, and how beautifully they fit over her figure. Her perfect figure, save for the messy gash and marks from when she'd been murdered and desecrated, and the rotting head from when she'd come back to life as a zombie.

"So," she said, while eating some brains out of a bowl, "you going to that concert with Sombra?"

"Yep," I answered happily, my eyes looking like ^ symbols.

Now it was her turn to blush, although it was difficult with her lack of blood. "I'm going with Diabola," she said with a big grin. "She's so hawt. No homo."

That made perfect sense to me of course. Our dates arrived shortly thereafter and we agreed they were sexy enough for 4chan pervs to fantasize about. B'looody Mare popped into the room as well and introduced her coltfriend, Dracola. Dracola used to be called Soarn until he learned that he was kidnapped at birth from his vampyre parents after they died in a hot-air balloon crash. Suicidally.

Eventually, Sombra showed up with Dracola (who had a black mane with red streaks) and Diabola (whose eyes were straight now, but her ears were crooked). We all got into his chariot via dimensional rifts and took illicit drugs on the way to the concert, except Willow who was gnawing on somepony's limbs.

By the time we reached the concert, I was so high I could swear I was seeing a "Return to Battlefield" warning. I admired the band members as they played their instruments, and the beautiful goffic shoes that other ponies threw at them. Suddenly, Vinyl Scratch's eyes flashed red (they were normally blue) and the partygoers gasped in horror as she and her band seized their own faces and pulled, peeling back vinyl (geddit) masks and revealing... … … … … … … … … … … Disconr and da Chonglongs!

"Thou moronic idiots," he shooted angstily. I could only whimper and hyperventilate as he reached for me, picked me up in a compromising position, and growled in my face. "Pimpie, thou hath failed! I toldest thou to kill Vampire. Now, join me, Pie." He pulled me in closer. "And I shall maketh thy face the greatest in Equestria." I felt his eyes bore holes through mine. "Or else thou shalt _die!"_

Hopeless, that's how it felt. There could be no more happiness as I contemplated life as either a personal slave of Discorn or a corpse. Life as a corpse was the most depressing thought I had ever had, even more depressing than slitting ma hoof over the tragic death of my loved ones in a freak hot-air balloon accident during a memorial for my parents who starved to death when the parasprites ruined their rock farm by eating all the rocks to commit suicide. We all eat rocks, by the way. They're tasty with a bit of ketchup or dunked in milk. Except it has to be fresh milk. But you can't get fresh rocks unless you live by the volcano.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Discord grinned evilly at me and licked his lips, and I knew that either he was going to eat me alive, or he wanted some pizza. Suddenly, he was knocked back by a powerful hex, causing him to drop me onto the stage where I started to sing "Rainbow Factory" by WoodenToaster. Powerful hooves beat him to the floor, and his reign of darkness gave way to the glorious light of Princess Celestia in her black robe and flowing black mane.

Given a chance to escape at last, the crowd fled, raising a panicked riot. I picked up Sombra, spread my wings, and began to fly back to the castle as Celestia ate Discord's pizza. Safely inside, I spread something other than my wings, and the next day I woke up in my coffin.

The coffin was sitting upright so I walked out of it, and put on more goffy clothes that you preps probally don't care about. My stomach rumbled like... like some kind of rumbling, and I decided it was time for breakfast.

When I got to Great Hal, he showed me the walls and tables he painted black, but I wasn't fooled. "WTB!" I shouted as I scratched off a flake of black paint to reveal the pink underneath. I went happily over to B'loody Mare and Willow. Willow was wearing a gothic blak dress that went up to your tail, and we talked about who was sexier – WoodenToaster or BronyDanceParty. Sombra and Dracola showed up and joined in the fun since they were bi.

"Those guys are pretty bucking hot," agreed Soaring, when suddenly a goffic mare with a black mane and everything came (eww not in that way). I realized she was the same one who had chasted away Discorn and taken his pizza. It was... … … … … … … … … Celestria!

"WTB?" I shouted angrily. "I thought she just had the black mane to scare Disdord!"

"Hello, everyone," she said with a grin much too wide. "What do you think of the makeover I've given the place?"

The posers in the school all cheered, but my goff army just facepalmed in disfust. "By the way," added the mare, "you can all call me Molestia now. I changed my name to make it more disturbingly sexualized to match the rest of this fanfiction." Then she pronked sexily out of the room.

"What a bucking poser," spat Sombra sadly as we left for the bathroom for Transformation class. I held hooves with him, much to the disgust of Shining who was crying a rainbow fountain.

"I'll bet she's having a mid-life crisis," said Willow, rolling her eyes. "She's been around 1000 years anyhow, and alicorns live for 2000."

"Yeah," I agreed. "That's totally canon now." I was so bucking angry.

**Now I feel stupid. A willow is a type of tree. Fluttershy should've been Willow. **

**Oh well. Should you happen to be really desperate for entertainment, I've started another YouTube channel for doing Let's Plays, SomeMoronicGaming. The first videos are probably pretty boring, but there will be more! Hopefully less boring! And with better sound quality since I got a new mic since the last recording! Don't abuse exclamation points!**


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